today was way too much for me and i am melting down into a puddle
on the plus side i got more people to stop misgendering me so much and i've only been deadnamed once, and he accepted the gentle correction
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Also I learned from a distant cousin on my dad’s side that there is a family history of Crohn’s (including herself), and I mentioned this to my parents and my mom denied that there has been and my dad said “this is the first I’ve heard of it” but he also didn’t even know this cousin existed more than a year ago so call me hesitant to take him at his word
Wellp just got deadnamed by my mom and she was annoyed about the correction
also even though she knows I'm in meltdown conditions right now she tried to put me to work with more food prep for tomorrow
and tomorrow I also have to get up at 7 in the fucking morning, and even getting that information was like extracting soup from a stone
This morning I dragged myself out of bed and barely was able to feed myself and now she’s asking me to cut some fucking grapes
Nobody fucking cares about the goddamn grapes
Like what’s more important, having beautifully sliced grapes for the reception or having me recite the invocation of the Torah reading?
I told her I’m exhausted
She said I’d just be sitting there cutting grapes
Fuck this shit so much
My brother is running interference now. I super appreciate it
I shouldn’t have fucking come
I’ve dropped out of the ceremony. My sister understands. Whatever my parents think doesn’t matter.
So I’m just going to be alone in my parents house all day missing the ceremony that I came all the way here for, and I feel awful about missing the important thing. But at least I got to see my nieces and congratulate them and give them some travel money
My sister told me I didn’t have to come because she knows about my health issues but I really wanted to come
the ceremony is starting in 5 minutes and here i am stuck alone at my parents' house lying in bed and feeling sad
of course now I feel like I could have gone but that's just the decompression talking. I'm sure if I were to start to make moves towards the synagogue I'd collapse again.
if my mom tells me that this is more proof I need to move back here to have people to take care of me I'm going to tell her I'd rather fucking die, and mean it.
she seems to think that this is the only place that there are people who care about me but
1) the way they show that caring fucking sucks
2) it's my sister who thrived (and continues to thrive) here, I never really got along with New Mexico
3) the last thing I need is to be in arms reach of my mom
okay yeah no even talking about this while still lying in bed has the extreme exhaustion coming back, staying in bed is absolutely the right choice
also even when talking about this stuff with my mom she constantly second-guesses my experiences and also engages in what feels like victim-blaming
like when I talked about cutting out sweeteners including artificial ones from my diet she was like "why were you having those to begin with?"
of course I realize that if I were to tell her I'd rather die than move back here, she'd take it as me saying I'm suicidal (I'm not) and that would also justify trying to force me to move here so I can get treated or something
and I mean I'm not just imagining things, she literally forced me to move home before, destroying the life I was building elsewhere
story time:
I had just finished grad school. I was looking for a job, and had a pretty good job prospect in the town I was living in, where I also owned a home and had an excellent social life. Due to budgetary reasons it was taking a while for the headcount to be approved, but I was willing and able to wait.
but my mom out of "extreme concern" gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't get a job by a specific (and super short) deadline I would have to move home. the time passed.
she then rented a u-haul, forged my signature in order to rent a storage facility back home for my stuff, and convinced me this was The Only Way because I clearly couldn't take care of myself etc. etc., and I found myself being forced to sell my house and give everything up
two days after I was settled back in here, I got a call from the job I was waiting on: the headcount was approved, when could I start?!
The job was super interesting (I forget what it was exactly but it was doing graphics research for scientific visualization stuff, I think for geological surveys?)
but nope now I was stuck in Albuquerque, doing tech staffing bullshit
then while doing the tech staffing she was trying to convince me that I needed to stay here but also that I needed to either sign a lease or buy a home in Albuquerque when I was actively looking for jobs elsewhere
then I found the position with ubisoft and I got it right away and I was super excited, and while ubisoft turned out to be *awful* at least it got me away from her
oh and another thing is my mom insisted that I delay my transition because "what would your grandparents think" and she didn't want to "cause problems" and also had this thing where "we don't keep secrets from each other" meaning she didn't want only part of the family to know (never mind that she keeps secrets all the fucking time and also there's such a thing as a "staged rollout" and also her thought was that if I didn't transition I'd stop being trans)
I regret never telling my grandpa
I was very close with my grandpa and I was always on the verge of coming out to him anyway
maybe he wouldn't have taken it well but I strongly believe he'd have come around, because we loved each other so much
I had a surrogate father figure at university who was like that too, I delayed coming out to him because I'd been told he'd not have taken it well and I really regret that but 20 years later he reached out to me and told me that he was so glad I'd found happiness
she also interprets everything I say or do in the worst possible way
there is a reason I don't share my music with her anymore
I have a cousin on my mom's side who is severely mentally ill (bipolar+schizophrenia+something else) and her sister (the cousin's mom) was never good at planning for arranging help for my cousin and now they're in a really tough situation, and I figure that my mom has always been trying to overcorrect for me, because she projects my cousin's issues onto me and is trying to do for me what her sister never did for my cousin
(my cousin's dad is also an abusive piece of shit, relatedly)
of course my mom will always badmouth my uncle at every chance but if someone else says something not-completely-positive about him, she says how he's trying so hard and he's in a tough position
and I mean yeah two things can be true at the same time but she's very selective about which one she allows at any given time, usually the one which gives her the best sense of moral superiority
my brother came back early and we had a great mutual rant and a heart-to-heart. i'm so glad i'm not alone in this shit.
Anyway I did make it to the afterparty which is where the real action is anyway
@fluffy