Post by @ColinTheMathmo@mathstodon.xyz

@ColinTheMathmo@mathstodon.xyz 56 min. ago

@girlonthenet I read your post[0] about failure modes of potential and actual dates, and it reminded me an article I read some time ago.

I've tracked it down:

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/may/01/why-dont-people-ask-questions-in-conversation

Thought it might be of passing interest.

Also, when I was a teenager I was told, loudly, forcefully, and in no uncertain terms by my girlfriend of the time:

"You *really* need to learn how to get along with people !!!"

So I found a book[1] to teach me exactly that, and now I *do* ask questions.

[0] Found via @neil

[1] Details on request, and only via DM because it's no longer a book I wish to advertise widely.

the Guardian

People who don’t ask me questions drive me crazy. Why are they like that?

‘Non-askers’ can come across as selfish – but there might be personal and societal reasons for their lack of curiosity

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Colman Reilly

@Colman@mastodon.ie 36 min. ago

@ColinTheMathmo @girlonthenet @neil one of the down sides of ballet a hobby is that I’ve trained asking questions out of myself to an extent. I’m constantly around (mainly much younger) scantily clad women, often in quite intimate circumstances (“where on your thigh would you like my hand?”) and asking any questions during downtime is somewhat fraught. Feels too likely to be misinterpreted.

Colin the Mathmo

@ColinTheMathmo@mathstodon.xyz 17 min. ago

@Colman A skill I've acquired ... and it's a skill that requires significant effort and training ... is explicitly to create a separation between activities. In some of the worlds I inhabit, physical proximity is expected, and there are rules around that, similar to yours would be in ballet. In other worlds, physically proximity is effectively forbidden.

I do ballroom dancing, have done circus skills, and in both of those contact (with rules) is expected.

I work in schools, where it very much isn't.

Explicitly creating the mindset can help, but isn't foolproof.

So I see where you're coming from, and appreciate the challenges.

CC: @girlonthenet @neil