ok so turns out running mediawiki on toolforge is presently blocked due to mariadb being too old:
https://phabricator.wikimedia.org/T434679
so i guess i'm back to requesting a VPS where I can install my own dependencies :D
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@brennen that's another possibility that will probably take all day to get set up and then turn out not to work for some reason ;)
@brooke psssst - what about patchdemo?
of course it's also currently broken but we're workin' on it.